Be more positive! Ugh!! (Part 1)

Gosh, I have such difficulty with the expressions “positive thinking” and “Be more positive!” When I share this with people, they are often surprised: “What!? Dr. Miwa, you are a psychologist. How come you say such a thing!? It’s so important to have positive thinking, isn’t it?” …Well, sorry, but I don’t like this positive thinking thingy at all. I will discuss why today.

We often hear something like, “It’s not good to feel that way, be more positive!” “Have more positive thinking!” “Feel more positive!” …Yuck! If I am sad and/or depressed for whatever reasons (which may be considered “negative” in this context) and if someone tells me to be more positive, I would not appreciate that at all. I may even curse the person in my mind: “If it were that easy, I wouldn’t be suffering!! Shut the xxxx up!”

As I wrote in the past about emotions, we can’t deny our emotions. If they’re there, they’re there. But if we are pressured by others or force ourselves to feel in a particular way, in this case, “more positive,” it requires us to make unnecessary or extra efforts to do so. You are already feeling bad, right? Why would you want to exhaust yourself even more or end up feeling worse because you fail in your efforts to be more positive?

Often, the encouragement to feel positive is not even for the benefit of the individual who is suffering, but rather for those who are encouraging them to be positive. Because it is not pleasant to be with or witness someone who is not feeling “positive,” they want you to get over it. Ironically, the individual who is told to be positive may end up feeling worse, because his or her feelings are not validated or accepted. What we usually appreciate most is that your loved-ones allow you to be you, meaning if you are feeling sad, upset, and/or angry, then they just let you feel so. Once you fully feel “negative,” while at the same time are accepted by your friends and loved-ones in that state, then you can eventually feel better. In this case, because there is no forced effort to feel something that you really can’t feel at the time it’s a much better outcome.

Don’t get me wrong; I have no doubt that feeling positive is much better than feeling negative. We all wish to feel positive. However, if we are forced to feel that way by others or ourselves, additional judgment and forced energy come into the picture and it doesn’t help.

When we stop trying to force ourselves to feel “positive” we can actually end up feeling more “positive” naturally. I like that way better.

The power of forgiveness

Today I want to talk to you in a unique way about the power of forgiveness and teach you a trick that I hope you will find interesting and useful and which you will try.

Forgiveness is powerful behavior. Not because it’s a good thing to do out of any moral or religious belief, but because it is just so beneficial for your own psychological well-being. When we have anger, hatred, bear a grudge, or carry bitterness, etc., we cannot just ignore such feelings or get rid of them simply by just willing them away. They eat us up gradually, as if it is a toxin in our bodies and minds. These feelings are harmful to us. I’m sure all of us have had this kind of experience in the past.

I am a strong believer in the acceptance of emotions and I would never encourage you to forcefully ignore, change, or modify your emotions. Our emotions are a part of us and they’re precious. But at the same time, harboring these negative feelings is really damaging. So here is one strategy for you to playfully exercise the power of forgiveness when you have a relatively small grudge, such as against some driver who was rude to you or a coworker who snapped at you. So I’m not talking about some really big issue but still something that results in toxic feelings.

When you have such feelings, you can say out loud, “I forgive you because I’m cute.” Believe me, this odd strategy really works. The point is to say “because I’m…” and then add something positive about yourself but not something that is directly related to forgiveness or virtue. This means that you cannot say “because I am a forgiving person, nice, kind, religious, sweet,” and so on. These qualities are too directly related to forgiveness and virtue, therefore, if you use these virtuous qualities, it’s as if you are obligated to forgive. Using some virtue as the reason would be forced and it would harm your spirit.

The trick here is to tell yourself you are forgiving them because of some arbitrary physical characteristic or something unrelated to virtue. It’s not that we need to be a good boy or girl to forgive; instead, we are forgiving that fuxxer because we are cute, beautiful, sexy, macho, great in bed, a good baseball player, or some “stupid” reason like that. These qualities have nothing to do with a forgiving attitude or virtue, and somehow this playful and fun approach just works. It’s as if you are playing the king or queen in a play who dispenses justice to their subjects depending on their vanity and mood of the day.

I personally usually choose “cute” because I am from Japan which is all about “kawaii (cute)” and it works for me. If you find cute difficult to use for some reason, just try one of the other examples I listed above. It may become a magical experience for you. Believe me, I’m sure you will experience the toxic feelings leaving your system.

Sometime in the future, I will talk about a different strategy for situations that are a little harder and not suited to this strategy. For now, just try this and enjoy the power of forgiveness!

The Power of appreciation

I know, I know… I DO know that it is a cliché and I hate writing about what everyone already knows. But this time, I would like to write about the power of appreciation. Well, it’s Thanksgiving weekend, so it may be good timing.

Seriously speaking, your life can instantly become much better once you start to consciously appreciate what you have got in your daily life. It may sound cheesy, and I know it does, however, it is just really true. People who disbelieve what I am writing about here are unlikely to have tried it yet. Therefore, I would say just try it for 3 days, then complain to me if it didn’t do anything for you.

What to do? It’s super-simple. Intentionally try to find anything you can feel grateful for in your daily life. Any tiny thing you can find. Just pay attention to such minute stuff and experience genuine gratitude toward it for a few moments. We are naturally so inclined to think of and complain about what we don’t have or small things that irritate us, that it actually requires a little conscious effort to think of the good things we do have.

For example, you had a sound sleep, the sun is shining in your window, a bird is visiting your yard, breakfast was tasty, your spouse kissed you, traffic was better, a coworker greeted you with a nice smile, you were able to concentrate on your work in the morning, a waiter was nice to you, the toilet smelled nicer, etc. etc…Anything! Just focus on things you can appreciate, and be grateful. So simple, but we usually don’t do as much as we could.

One warning is that I am not encouraging you to force yourself to feel grateful for something when in fact you don’t actually feel that way. As I wrote before, we don’t want to fake or force our emotions in any way. If you hate your customer who unreasonably complained about your service, for example, you don’t want to appreciate her or the experience at all. That’s not what I am talking about. At the same time, however, you can still thank your colleague who supported you and/or your patience which helped you handle the situation professionally. That’s genuine gratitude and that works.

Again, I am talking about such a very simple concept today but I do feel you can get a lot of benefit from it, and I just cannot help talking about it today. Seriously, just give it a shot, as if it’s a game even if that what it takes to get you going. Let’s see what you experience after this.

Have fun!

Holidays: Are they a tough time for you?

   

It’s kinda unbelievable but it is already Halloween, almost the end of the year! How are you guys feeling about it? For me even, it’s feeling somewhat scary how quickly time flies. I still remember our fun New Year’s Eve Party, and now this year is almost over… Really!?!?

Well, around this time of year, there’s no way we ignore the fact that…"The Holidays” are right around the corner. Do you like the holiday season? If so, you are one of the lucky ones. As a psychologist, unfortunately, I am more concerned about people’s well-being around this time. Why is that? Because the holidays are quite a depressing time of the year for many, believe it or not. I want to talk about it today.

Many people actually feel worse around this time of the year. When you think about it, it is not so surprising. There are probably only a few lucky people who genuinely love this time, while many others have a tough time of it. Let’s see… If you are single with no family around, you may not have anything to do or anyone to be with on the holidays. Friends or coworkers may invite you to join their families for their holiday celebrations, but some may feel bad about that. You may feel pitied, or it’s just a reminder of your not having your own family, and then you may feel lonely after saying good night to them.  On top of it all, to spend the holidays with a nice enough family, you may end up spending a lot of time in a car or airport traveling at the busiest time of the year.

If you have your own family, you may have things to do, which is good, but then you may have to worry about some family drama, such as dealing with your mean auntie Mary or drunk uncle Joe who always makes your family feel uncomfortable. Perhaps you don’t even feel that close to your family, but succumb to the pressure of obligations. As the host, you may need to spend a lot of time and energy cooking and cleaning while your guests relax, on top of it all also spending a good amount of money. There always can be some family drama, but you are pretending everything is alright and everyone is having fun...

Even if you spend the time alone just with your partner or spouse with less demands, you may still feel too detached or isolated. You wonder why you are not with more family members and/or friends, feeling lonely and isolated from society/community.

Others are facing the first holiday season since a loved-one passed away, reminding them of their loss all over again, trying to cope with the empty seat at the dinner table.

Gosh, then who is really happy over the holidays!?!? Is it only some Pollyannaish kind of people or a lucky few? Well, actually almost everyone can be rather happy over the holiday season, but it requires a little shift in your mind.

One of the possible reasons why it is so tough is that we are in a way pressured to feel happy over the holidays and pressured to spend them in a certain way. “It’s a holiday, everyone MUST have somewhere to go and something to do, and be a happy family TOGETHER. That’s how it is SUPPOSED to be and it should be a happy time!” This almost mantra-like curse imposes a lot of pressure on people to meet unrealistic expectations! When we are pressured to feel and behave in a certain way, it becomes just that much harder to feel happy about it. So, this pressure makes it very difficult.

Another possible reason is that we tend to pay attention to what we lack, and ignore the privileges we have. If you are single and alone, you can actually enjoy the time off work having a nice relaxing time with no drama, which is not bad at all. You are free and you can enjoy NetFlix or barhopping or both! If you have a family, you can appreciate having someone to share some time together with, even if it includes some drama. It’s only a few times of the year anyway. If you have only your spouse or partner, it can be so nice to simply share your time off with your loved one with no distractions. It can be romantic, if you wish so. As long as we are alive, have a roof over our heads and food, and can take extra days-off work, that’s already a big “YAY!”

So first, just let go of the pressure to feel happy. You may feel it bothersome, annoying, time-consuming, and/or expensive, then just accept it as it is and bitch about it as needed. Once you are okay with not forcing yourself to feel happy or behave happily, you can appreciate what you really have, while not comparing yourself with others unnecessarily. Now you may feel calmer and more content. Then you can finally relax and enjoy your own special holidays in your own way!

*Have you thought about the people who have to work on holidays? Yes, it sucks (I have and still do as needed to take care of my patients, by the way), but you can always use the same principles. You can let go of the pressure about the holiday, and just appreciate that you have work and income. Also, hopefully you have some extra pay around this time, as well. That’s so nice and you can take some time off sooner or later, too. That’s enough, isn’t it? Why not!? Holidays are just one of the ordinary days which have just got some names!

Yes…, BUT…

What I am talking about here today is a communication strategy that most of us experience and/or use. We frequently acknowledge, conform with, and/or appreciate something that we hear, but then in reply we say "Yes, but..." to assert a different opinion, sometimes completely contradicting what we acknowledged with our "Yes. I'm sure you have experienced this kind of communication from others, or you do it to others, or both. I think this is a very common communication strategy many people use on a regular base. Yes, there is some benefit to it, BUT there are potential downsides of this strategies (<- Did you notice that I just used it!?).

We feel this “Yes…, BUT…” approach has a positive effect by making our opinion sound a little softer. It usually goes, for example, "I understand your point, BUT…" or, "Thank you very much for this, BUT…." or something like that. In this manner, we don’t sound like jerks who just make complaints or oppose everything. Basically, we don't want to just disagree with our loved ones or coworkers, so we show our understanding first. After that, we then want to voice our contradictory opinions... A very considerate and nice strategy, isn’t it?

The potential problem with this approach, however, is that this may no longer work as much as it used to, if it ever did. Personally, I try to not to use "Yes..., But..." because I don't like it when people do it to me. I find myself just paying attention to whatever comes after the “BUT” and it sometimes even makes me feel upset to have heard those sugarcoated but insincere words that came before it. It may be just meant to please me or not to upset me, but that annoys me…do you feel this way too?

Actually, people frequently pay attention only to what comes after the "But" part. We know that whatever we heard before the "But" means nothing, even when both sides of the argument are supposedly being acknowledged. More sadly, people sometimes just automatically expect to hear the "But…" part. In my personal experience, when I have complimented my supervisees on something they did that impressed me, I sometimes feel that they are waiting for  the “But” part to follow.

So what can we do to get around this communication technique? How can we handle it better?

First, I want to emphasize that nothing is wrong if you continue using this verbal technique. It may be, however, more helpful if you are more aware that people may be so used to it that they discard what you say in acknowledging their opinion and just hear the “But…” part. With a conscious effort you can intentionally modify your tone or emphasis so that you can communicate more effectively without saying "But..."

Second, you can change the expression a little so as to avoid using, “BUT.” I sometimes say, "Yes…at the same time..."  "I get it… hmm...What about...?" "I see your point. By the way…” and so on.

Once we eliminate “BUT” from the sentence, the nuance can sound better, although “but” may be more logically or grammatically correct. As I discussed in my article about the purpose of communication, being accurate is not the point of human communication: delivering what you want to convey is the most important thing. Thus, if avoiding “BUT” works better in terms of effective communication, we can and should avoid it. Why not?

Today, I talked about a very commonly used communication strategy and its drawbacks. The more awareness you have about how you are communicating, the better your communication becomes! Let’s be curious and sensitive to what we say and hear in our daily lives so as to become better communicators!

*This is a "BUTT"