Be Aware: "Shoulds" are Fear-Driven

In my previous post, I discussed aspiration-driven and fear-driven behaviors, emphasizing the importance of staying focused on your aspirations to drive personal growth and fulfillment. I hope you found this concept meaningful, as it has the potential to significantly transform your life for the better.

Additionally, some years ago, I wrote about my encouragement for you to avoid being controlled by "shoulds" in an article titled "So Many Shoulds and Shouldn'ts" (you can read it here). I want to emphasize that "shoulds" are inherently fear-driven, albeit often in a subtle form, and their influence on your life can be dramatically reduced once you gain a clearer understanding of them and refrain from overusing this expression.

Why are "shoulds" fear-driven? Because they often imply phrases like "I should do [ ] to avoid trouble" or "I shouldn't do [ ] because my father said so." These statements are rooted in fear. By revisiting my article on "shoulds," you'll come to understand that there aren't as many things in life that we genuinely "should" or "should not" do as we might think. Increasing awareness in your daily life and reevaluating or rephrasing your "shoulds" can invite more joy and aspiration into your life.

Many of us have been conditioned to live based on apparent and subtle fears (think about how many times you say "should" and "have to" in one day!), but it's essential to recognize that you have options and can overcome unnecessary fears to lead a more satisfying life. I hope you can see these possibilities and take steps to embrace a more fulfilling life.

“I’m Sorry If…”

 

Apologies and expressions of appreciation wield significant power within relationships. As a couples' therapist, I actively encourage couples not to withhold "I'm sorry" and "thank you" from each other. In a previous discussion, I addressed the issue with the common phrase "I'm sorry, okay?"—emphasizing its inherent risks and counterproductive nature. Today, I'd like to delve into another problematic apologetic expression: "I'm sorry if…"

Haven't you often encountered apologies that sound like, "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings" or "I'm sorry if I offended you," and so on? Regrettably, this form of apology is deeply flawed and should generally be avoided.

What makes this apology problematic? The phrase "I'm sorry if…" essentially conveys, "I didn't intend to do anything wrong. However, IF you're overly sensitive and perceive an issue, I'll begrudgingly offer an 'apology' to silence you." This fundamentally lacks a sense of responsibility or genuine remorse on the apologizer's part, instead placing blame on the recipient for misunderstanding or oversensitivity. Consequently, rather than engendering a positive response, this type of "apology" often leaves the recipient feeling culpable.

For this reason, when seeking to apologize for mistakes or wrongdoing, it's crucial to demonstrate ownership and assume responsibility. For example: "I apologize for my actions that led to [specific situation]. I acknowledge my error and for being unfair. I deeply regret hurting you and offer my sincere apologies by saying 'I’m sorry.'" In contrast, using "I'm sorry if…" could inadvertently spark further conflicts. Remember, employing effective communication strategies like these can significantly enhance relationships!

UPDATED Announcement from Dr. Riichiro Miwa Psychological Services

Dear Beloved All of You:

As you will all be aware, all Californians have been ordered to stay at home. Therefore, sadly to say, we are unable to see you in person for now.

Particularly because of this current emotionally provoking situation, we'd like to assure you all that our continuity of care is available via phone or other devices. If you haven't yet contacted your therapist and let us know what you'd like us to do, please do so at your convenience. If you even perhaps want more frequent session to assist you with coping with the current situation we all find ourselves in, please let us know. Or, if you want to take a pause from therapy for now to focus on your survival, that's also fine. We do care about your well-being and your letting us know what your current needs are helps us to understand what may be the best support we can give to you at this point.

In my opinion, the current situation we are in will affect our psychological health more and more over time. In order to help avoid it overwhelming you, please don't forget to acknowledge and accept all of your emotions, and find some way to express them in a healthy manner. Continuing good self-care is a key to maintaining your physical, psychological, and spiritual health, therefore, I really hope you actively implement it.

We are sincerely hoping all of you stay safe and healthy. We are looking forward to seeing all of your faces again eventually, once this pandemic is over.

Sincerely yours,

Dr. Riichiro Miwa
Dr. Leeanne Marquez
Sharon Hou, AMFT

Dr. Riichiro Miwa
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY 21622) / Life Coach
Dr. Riichiro Miwa Psychological Services

The Keynote Speaker: Self-Care and Stress Management

Last week, I wrote that I was invited to give a workshop at the Victim Advocacy Institute Conference. Coincidentally, I was also invited to be the Keynote Speaker for the Waymakers’ annual All-Staff Training Day yesterday. Because I like them, I was honored to be there to talk with over 100 staff members about Self-Care and Stress Management. Yes, it is an important topic and I care about it a lot. I hope I can post some articles about it here in future.

Anyhow, the audience was great. They responded to my jokes and silly comments and laughed a lot! Getting people to laugh is already a big achievement (particularly for a serious and boring Asian male, right?) and they were attentive with good participation. I thank them for that a lot!

That's the podium! 

Also, it was my very fist time to step inside a Dave and Buster’s. I had no clue that Dave and Buster’s has rooms for conferences and events. Did you?? It was interesting that I made speech at Dave and Buster’s.

"I’m sorry, Okay?"

I’m not a “Doctor of Censorship” or a “word-hunter,” but I do pay attention to the possible psychological and relational impacts of our expressions, because coaching clients on effective communication strategies is one of my areas of expertise. In the past, as some of you know, I talked about “Shoulds and Shouldn’ts,” “I know, I know,” “I feel guilty,” “Are you Okay?” “Be more positive,” and “Yes, but…” Today, I would like to briefly write about the very common expression, “I’m sorry, Okay?”

The reason I wanted to talk about this expression is because it appears that some people genuinely don’t know why they receive negative responses from others whom they sincerely apologized to. They made an apology, they meant it, but it still won’t work… It makes them feel sad, frustrated and so powerless. One of the possible reasons is that they used “I’m sorry, Okay?,” and if that’s the case, it is something that is so easy to fix. That’s why it is worth it to be aware of using this expression. 

“I’m sorry” is an expression with strong power. When we own up to our mistake and sincerely apologize for it, it can change others’ minds and hearts instantly. We are aware that we all make mistakes and we are kind to each other for that reason. But if someone does not apologize but keeps making excuses, that triggers us negatively so much.

When you add “Okay?” after “I’m sorry,” it actually works negatively. When we say, “I’m sorry,” it is an apology and the respondents tend to feel better. On the contrary, when you say, “I’m sorry, Okay?,” then the respondents feels forced to dismiss things while forgiving this person no matter what. This “Okay?” means, “I did apologize to you, so now you need to shut up and let it go. Forget about it, Okay?” Of course, it does not work! It is so useless as a function of an apology. The similar issue happens when people say “I’m sorry, but…” Once you add “but,” now your apology is not working as an apology but making an excuse, which does not work effectively, either. This issue is similar to “Yes, but….”

In short, if you mean to say, “I’m sorry,” do not add “Okay?” or “but…” A simple and sincere apology is the best way to ask for forgiveness. Even if we are so anxious to be forgiven or to explain things, adding these words really affects the effectiveness of the apology negatively. It’s sad when what you are trying to do won’t work. So let’s be careful, shall we?

Decision Making in Crisis

I took a workshop last weekend about legal and ethical issues, something which psychologists are required to do every two years. For some reason I love to learn about legal and ethical problems and the workshop was quite enjoyable, even if the room was freezing and my back was hurting a lot!

One of the remarkable things based on a various research that was addressed at the workshop was how our emotional state can influence our decision making and behaviors when we are in trouble. Putting it simply according to my understanding, when we are experiencing fight or flight mode, our anger or anxiety/fear can impact our actions more than we realize. Therefore, a major recommendation was to slow down. When we are threatened and in crisis, we need to slow down by consulting with others, relaxing, breathing deeply, and the like, so that we don’t screw things up. Yes, that’s understandable.

At the same time, interestingly, the importance of our emotions in the decision-making process was also emphasized. This means that if we ignore, disregard, or detach our emotional state, our decisions won’t be the best, either. This can be counter-intuitive for some “logical” people, but it has been found to be so, and I have seen it as well.

What is cool about these two important findings is that it aligns with what I have been believing and advocating for: I have been encouraging people to acknowledge, accept, and as needed express their emotions, instead of avoiding and ignoring them. In a crisis situation, for example, we may feel angry and/or fearful. If we can acknowledge those feelings and accept them, that itself would slow down our reactivity. Also if we express our emotions, we can consult with someone or undertake some more introspection. When we do that, we are no longer just emotional beings; we are now aware that we are experiencing our emotions. These two states are quite different.

The bottom line is that in catastrophic situations, we may want to acknowledge, accept, and as needed, express our emotions, so that we can slow down our reactive process, while remaining in touch with our emotions. This way we can make the best decision and take action. It sounds quite reasonable and helpful to me. How about you? 

So many “Shoulds” and “Shouldn’ts!”

Are you aware of using the word “should” frequently through the day? Do you also notice people around you also using this word many times? If you can answer “No” to these questions, you are lucky and you can stop reading now! For the rest, quite possibly a majority of you, I’d like you to know that overusing the word, “should,” has a negative impact on you and others, as I will explain today.

First, please know that this use of “should” that I am writing about includes “have to,” “must,” and “ought to” as well. Therefore, please don’t feel relieved if you often use “have to” instead of “should.” You will still benefit from this post. All of these have similar impact on us.

Of course, I would not deny there are things we “should” and “shouldn’t” do, such as taking care of our children, following basic rules, not violating others’ rights, breaking promises, not killing people, and so on. Yes, I am aware of that. However, do you realize that we do not have as many things we really “should” or “shouldn’t” do as might be indicated by our frequent use of should? It’s actually much less!

Why do you think I am against the heavy usage of “should” and “shouldn’t?” That’s because “should” gives us a sense of obligation, and if we don’t do what we “should” do, then we end up feeling bad and guilty. If you keep using this term on yourself a lot, you will be feeling bound, suffocated, and overwhelmed in your life, because you have little sense of freedom left, but rather a feeling of so much obligation which may not be really necessary. Also, if you allow someone to use this term with respect to you a lot, you will lose your sense of autonomy and power, and you will be emotionally submissive to the person and the “should” statements. You may even rebel and fight back unnecessarily instead. “Should” and “shouldn’t” pressure us in a certain direction, but we often don’t notice its subtle impact on us; this is the big risk and problem. 

In reality, so many things we do in our life are actually optional. Even eating three times a day or helping out someone who just fell on the ground is up to you. Lots of people say, “You should take care of your elderly parents,” but even this is a choice you can make, not an obligation. (By the way, I am aware of a lot of cultural and racial norms around this particular example, but still, it is not an automatic obligation). There are things good to do and not good to do, but it is still optional and you can choose if you want to do them or not.

As another example, you might be in the habit of saying, “We should have lunch with so-and-so next weekend.” Try to start saying something like, “Let’s have lunch…” or “I’d like to have lunch…” Using these alternatives psychologically changes your thinking from obligation to something you choose and want to do. If you avoid using “should” and “shouldn’t,” you can feel more aware of your own options being your own choices. Because it is optional, you can pick and choose what are optimal for you and your loved ones, and what are not. As a result, you can simply your life and use your own energy and resources more effectively with a better mood.

You may be afraid of what will happen if you stop using “should” when it’s really about something that is an option,  but you will actually be surprised how much freer you feel once you rid yourself of this term. And now you can choose to do what you choose to do for yourself and your loved ones. This shift makes your life more fruitful and fulfilling. 

The Fear of Being Weak

I often wonder when it was that thinking of yourself as weak became to be considered a bad thing. And why is it that when people think of asking for help, they think “I’m weak so I should not ask for help and just stay strong?” Why do people say “I should not cry because it is a sign of weakness?” Sooo many people hold this strange belief, and it’s not only men who often tend to be afraid of looking weak, but women too. Honestly, it’s REALLY a lot of people! This is a silly belief so let’s talk about it today.

First, is being weak a bad thing? What are you talking about?! We are human, not robots. We have times of being strong, and we have times of being weak. So what!? Unless you constantly have what people commonly call “nervous breakdowns” or take “mental health days” every week or so, you are just a normal human-being. Even if you maintain your condition really well physically, mentally, and spiritually, horrible things can and do happen, and we all suffer at times.

Second, is crying weak? Honestly speaking, if you cannot allow yourself to cry when you want or need to, that   is actually weaker, don’t you think? Why is that? Why is it that you cannot cry? Is it that you are so “afraid” of other’s judgment that you cannot let it out? Is it that you are concerned about how you look to others, or how others think of you? Is it that you are unsure if you could recover from “breaking down”? All of these are big signs of “weakness.” If you want to be really “strong,” you need to respect and accept your emotional experience, even painful and uncomfortable ones, while having faith in yourself and others around you, don’t you think? 

Third, is asking for help weak? Gosh, this is such a common misunderstanding I see in the US. So many people have a big issue with asking for help. And as a result, you may not be able to complete your task, you cannot get things done appropriately, or you have a “nervous breakdown.” This is not a sign of your strength. Really strong people know that they can trust people who are willing to support them, while objectively and accurately assessing what help and support they can utilize for a better outcome. That is a real strength, isn’t it? Again, if you are afraid of others’ judgment about your asking someone for assistance, no, you are not proving your strength.

This “fear of being weak” is so common and so misconstrued. Please think about yourself and if you happen to blindly believe this misconception, this is the time to rewrite your script and become really “strong!”

Tips for more effective couple communication

Last time, I introduced a really helpful perspective called ECU(A). The more I guided my clients with it, the more I am convinced that it is really effective. However, there have been some questions about the implementation of this ECU(A), and I will talk about it today.

The concept of ECU(A) is quite simple. You Express your needs/wants to your partner. If it does not work, don’t become distant but get Closer, and then Understand your partner’s feelings, thoughts, and experience, instead of defending yourself, offending your partner, or even trying to make yourself understood by your partner. And as needed, you Act sweet to get it done.

The biggest challenge here for many couples often is how to put it into effect when you get emotionally charged. Even if you know what to do, you may be too upset to do it. This is a reasonable and realistic concern. If you are too flooded with emotion, you cannot put it into practice correctly. Therefore, you need to take care.

There are a few effective strategies when you are too upset to implement the ECU strategy.

First one is taking Time Out. You take some break to calm down first. It could be 5 minutes, 5 hours, or 5 days. It depends on how badly you are flooded with emotion and how much time you need to calm down. The length is not usually a problem, unless it is a time sensitive issue. The most important thing when you take time out is to let your partner know when you will get back to them. It is your obligation to let your partner know when the conversation resumes. Without doing this, your time out will just work as a passively aggressive behavior, and it will not help. Without setting the time to resume, you can never take time out.

Secondly, calm down together. You can take a deep breath together with your partner, for example. You can also make some tea and have a break together, take a walk quietly together, any activity that makes both you and your partner calm down is great. Once calmed down, now you can resume your ECU(A).

By the way, this “A” part is sometimes forgotten. Chanel your inner actor/actress to perform it well in a sweet and loving manner. Your partner is not your enemy and hurting your partner is hurting yourself, that’s why this “A” is really worth it. Sometimes some people say, “Oh but it is not my authentic self!” or the like, but if your “authentic self” is acting uncooperatively and it is hurting yourself and your partner, you really need to think about it, don’t you? If you implement it well, you will find it very effective. Try it and see what happens!

ECU(A)!

Even though I have been learning and practicing psychology for over 20 years, there continue to be opportunities to learn that present themselves to me. It often comes out through interactions, particularly with my students and clients. Today I experienced one of those opportunities that I would like to share with you

Today I saw a lovely couple and they are good people. Both of them are loving and care for each other, but like all couples, they experience conflicts from time to time. Why is that? Well, while exploring and understanding the patterns, I came up with a helpful formula that most (fundamentally healthy) couples can utilize. This couple named it “ECU.”

E: First, as a couple, you want to “Express” your desires, needs, and wants to your partner directly. Many couples don’t express it directly, as a result, they  end up feeling disappointed, sad, angry, and so on. Yes, it is sometimes challenging to express your needs and wants out of fear of rejection, your desire for your partner’s spontaneous behavior, or because you just are not used to expressing your needs and wants. However, a lot of issues are preventable only if you express what you want to your partner in a straight forward manner. If both of you and your partner are decent individuals who are caring for each other, you need to express your wants and needs to your partner, so as to give your loving partner the opportunity to give you what you are looking for.

C: If you fail the first step of “Expression,” what tends to happen is that you experience some negative emotions. The negative feelings arising out of your feelings of not having your needs and wants fulfilled may lead you to distancing, avoiding, and/or shutting down from your partner. It may even create some fights and conflicts. Now we are stepping into discord. This is the time we need to get “Close.” Instead of pushing toward or pulling away, you get closer. You may have this second chance to express your wants and needs. You may be able to express your needs or wants while cuddling. You don’t go away or fight, but come closer. No matter how you are feeling or what you tend to do, just go forward to be closer.

U: Okay, we are not perfect and shit happens, therefore, you may fail to express what you what or get closer to your partner. You missed the first and second phase… Now it gets ugly. Both of you become frustrated, distant, angry, combative, cold, and so on. But because you are a healthy enough couple, you decide to talk. However, unfortunately at this point, your talk often results in further disappointment, because what we often do at this point is to try to express ourselves to our partner with the intention of being understood. For example, we try to explain what we meant to do, or explain how hurt we are feeling, or what we wanted our partner to do, etc. Too late. Once both sides are emotionally worked up, it won’t be received well. Then we try to explain ourselves even more, and end up feeling totally misunderstood, dismissed, and miserable.

Then what can you do? In this final stage, the focus needs to be “Understanding” your partner. At this point, you don’t try to express yourself. You just try to understand your partner’s experience as much as you can. How such loving couples end up in such a situation of conflict can be surprising, but starting out with your fundamental belief that your partner is a decent and loving person, you just try to figure it out. Therefore, you just want to understand what your partner’s experience was from the beginning. You do not impose your experience or feelings to justify your standpoint, but just try to fully understand your partner’s experience as if you are in your partner’s shoes.

If you do it well, you cannot help but ending up saying to your partner, “Ah, that was your experience then,” “I see, no wonder you said (or behaved) that way,” “Now I understand how and why you felt [angry/sad/frustrated/hurt…] at that time,” and so on. This will give you more clarity, empathetic understanding, and calmness. Also, this will help your partner feel understood and relaxed. Then your partner is now willing to understand you in return. As a result, you both will feel much better, understood, and ready to resume being a loving couple!

Doesn’t this make sense to you? In summary, first, do not hesitate to express your desire to your partner; doing so will help you avoid in the first place many situations ending up in conflict and hurt. However, if you or your partner neglect to express your needs or wants and start feeling negative, come closer to your partner. If you still fail at this point, then both of you now will have become quite negative and combative, and must just try to understand your partner’s experience and feelings selflessly. If you are both loving and emotionally mature, you will be able to resolve your conflict and move on and actually be closer and more loving for the experience. Once we can understand this dynamic, we can all avoid useless and meaningless fights in the future by “Starting at E”!

Well there’s one last letter in parenthesis: (A). Even if you utilize this formula and follow it well, you may still have some remaining discomfort, which can be impossible to fully resolve. Then what can you do? The answer is “Act.” This is your last chance to channel your inner actor/actress, and just behave as lovingly and sweetly to your partner. It may not be genuine, but who cares when it will resolve minor conflict in your relationship!?!? When you act this way, your partner will appreciate it, and become sweet and loving in return, and you will end up forgetting any small resentments. Because you and your partner are different human beings from different backgrounds, it is sometimes impossible to fully understand and accept each other perfectly. Then instead of focusing on small things, just act and appreciate what you can have as a result. It really works and will be one of the greatest relationship skills you will ever learn and have at your disposal to ensure a loving and life-long relationship.

By the way, why do you think this “A” is in parenthesis? Because “A” can be utilized at any time. Each phase could be challenging to some extent for anyone, particularly the later you leave it, the harder it gets. But no matter how you are “feeling,” it is an essential relationship skill and you “act” to make it work. I like to call it “channeling your inner actor/actress.” For example, even if you don’t feel like getting closer because of your “hurt” feelings, “just do it” like any good actor or actress would do. The first priority is your happy relationship and once it works, the relationship gets better, and you will feel better. SO WHY NOT??

"Are you okay?"

“Are you okay?”

This is a very common expression you’ll hear and probably even you use it when you have some fellow human-being who is suffering or hurt for one reason or another. However, it is an expression that I usually avoid using, and I would like to discuss why this may not be such a great expression for you to use either. I hope some of you will find my reasoning interesting.

Why don’t I like to use this expression, particularly when something actually does appear not to be okay with someone? Well, the issue is that by using this expression, there is an implicit expectation for the person to whom you address it to reply, “Yes, I’m okay.” In other words, it's as if you don't really want to hear what is really going on. And even if you do want to know the truth, this phrase does not invite more of a response than "Yeah, I'm okay"; the person my in fact subconsciously feel pressure not to upset or involve you in their situation because culturally that's how it goes with this expression.

Let me give you an example. If you are sick, or you look sick, and you tell someone that you are sick and then they ask, “Are you okay?” …Well what can you do with this? Don’t you think you are just expected or even pressured to say, “Yeah, thank you…” Or, if you are sad and crying, and someone asks you, “Are you okay?” Don’t you wish you could just say, “Can’t you see I am NOT okay right now!!??” A response like that might be something we see in a movie, but not often in real life. We may not be consciously aware of it, but yes, we are expected to say and to hear, “I’m okay.”

So here is the issue. When you ask “Are you okay?” it makes it sound like you are concerned for the person you are talking to, and that may indeed be true. Having expressed concern you may feel good about it without even thinking that it may not be such a great expression of concern. And the person to whom you address the question cannot complain about the expression easily because you appeared to show some concern and it’s a culturally accepted expression. It’s so tricky. The tragedy is that this question does not do anything much for the person who is “not really feeling okay.”

I have even experienced a good number of therapists using this expression and it makes me feel sad to see it. (Well, to be honest, it drives me nuts). Many of our clients, by nature, already have difficulty sharing what is going on in their lives with people. If therapists could be a little more sensitive and avoid this kind of insensitive question, our clients could express themselves much more easily.

If you really want to show true concern and hear what is going on, you can just say something like: “What is wrong?” “What happened?” “Is something bothering you?” etc. Then, they can share what is really going on relatively more easily, and you can now provide real support. Yes, it is a tiny thing but it does make a big difference!

Well, you may now wonder, “but if it’s just my coworker or neighbor and I don’t really want to hear too much detail, then what can I do?” In this case, one, you can just keep using “Are you okay?” to demonstrate your basic level of concern for the person, not really intending to offer help or invite an explanation, but just to show some level of “social appropriateness.” It does work well for this purpose and is totally fine. Or, you can say something like, “You don’t look good. I hope you can go easy today,” “Here is some tea for you,” “I Hope you feel better soon,” etc. For me, putting a person who is obviously not okay in a position where they feel obliged to say “I’m okay,” is the last thing we should want to do.

I am not writing about this today out of some concern for being “politically correct,” I in fact don’t care much about political correctness or that kind of thing, to be honest. However, I do care about the effectiveness of communication. If you are more aware of small nuances in your daily expressions and express yourself more effectively, you will have more quality experiences and relationships. As a psychologist and life-coach, I am quite sensitive to this small but important matter and hope eventually to introduce to you more and more things like this here.

By the way, why did I specifically say “fellow human-being” at the beginning? Because I say “Are you okay?” to my puppy all the time, when he does not look good. He always wants to reply “Yes, I’m okay. Let’s go for a walk” no matter how bad he might feel!

Yes…, BUT…

What I am talking about here today is a communication strategy that most of us experience and/or use. We frequently acknowledge, conform with, and/or appreciate something that we hear, but then in reply we say "Yes, but..." to assert a different opinion, sometimes completely contradicting what we acknowledged with our "Yes. I'm sure you have experienced this kind of communication from others, or you do it to others, or both. I think this is a very common communication strategy many people use on a regular base. Yes, there is some benefit to it, BUT there are potential downsides of this strategies (<- Did you notice that I just used it!?).

We feel this “Yes…, BUT…” approach has a positive effect by making our opinion sound a little softer. It usually goes, for example, "I understand your point, BUT…" or, "Thank you very much for this, BUT…." or something like that. In this manner, we don’t sound like jerks who just make complaints or oppose everything. Basically, we don't want to just disagree with our loved ones or coworkers, so we show our understanding first. After that, we then want to voice our contradictory opinions... A very considerate and nice strategy, isn’t it?

The potential problem with this approach, however, is that this may no longer work as much as it used to, if it ever did. Personally, I try to not to use "Yes..., But..." because I don't like it when people do it to me. I find myself just paying attention to whatever comes after the “BUT” and it sometimes even makes me feel upset to have heard those sugarcoated but insincere words that came before it. It may be just meant to please me or not to upset me, but that annoys me…do you feel this way too?

Actually, people frequently pay attention only to what comes after the "But" part. We know that whatever we heard before the "But" means nothing, even when both sides of the argument are supposedly being acknowledged. More sadly, people sometimes just automatically expect to hear the "But…" part. In my personal experience, when I have complimented my supervisees on something they did that impressed me, I sometimes feel that they are waiting for  the “But” part to follow.

So what can we do to get around this communication technique? How can we handle it better?

First, I want to emphasize that nothing is wrong if you continue using this verbal technique. It may be, however, more helpful if you are more aware that people may be so used to it that they discard what you say in acknowledging their opinion and just hear the “But…” part. With a conscious effort you can intentionally modify your tone or emphasis so that you can communicate more effectively without saying "But..."

Second, you can change the expression a little so as to avoid using, “BUT.” I sometimes say, "Yes…at the same time..."  "I get it… hmm...What about...?" "I see your point. By the way…” and so on.

Once we eliminate “BUT” from the sentence, the nuance can sound better, although “but” may be more logically or grammatically correct. As I discussed in my article about the purpose of communication, being accurate is not the point of human communication: delivering what you want to convey is the most important thing. Thus, if avoiding “BUT” works better in terms of effective communication, we can and should avoid it. Why not?

Today, I talked about a very commonly used communication strategy and its drawbacks. The more awareness you have about how you are communicating, the better your communication becomes! Let’s be curious and sensitive to what we say and hear in our daily lives so as to become better communicators!

*This is a "BUTT"

Good Eye Contact

Having good eye contact is considered very important in the culture of the West. Although there are some situations where eye contact is not required much, in other situations, such as job interviews, it is very critical to have good eye contact. The problem is that not everyone is comfortable with making  and maintaining eye contact. So, let's talk about eye contact today and I will give some tips for those of you who might benefit from this advice.

Eye contact is actually cultural behavior. In some cultures, such as Japan where I am from, having strong eye contact may be considered too much or even "rude." No surprise that people have much less eye contact in these cultures. Naturally, for people from such backgrounds, making good eye contact may be difficult.

In the United States, people are expected to make good eye contact out of courtesy and/or professionalism. This doesn’t mean, however, that all of Americans, even those born and raised here, find eye contact easy.

Anxiety in social situations, known as “Social Anxiety,” is pretty common for many people. Even if some people may have little anxiety in general, it may still be quite challenging in more serious, anxiety-provoking situations such as job interviews or presentation.


So what can you do for it? Well, you can practice eye contact with your friends and/or life coach or someone you trust to help you get used to making eye contact. Or, you can see a psychologist to understand what makes it so difficult for you and practice to overcome your difficulties. If you don’t like those options, let me share a couple of tips here with you.

1) Try eyeglasses. This is really interesting but very helpful, actually. If you wear eyeglasses, you can feel like you have a shield between you and the other person. If you already wear glasses, or if this trick didn’t seem to work for you, try ones with some small amount of tint on them. They still look appropriate and you feel less anxious. You may be surprised how much more at ease you feel once you put them on!

2) If eyeglasses did not work, or if you don't like the idea of hiding your lovely face or something like that, here is another strategy. Try to look at the person's mouth or philtrum, the area between mouth and nose, instead of the eyes; you can look at this area with it not being noticeable that you are doing so. You can try taking a look at the eyes of the person you are talking to at times when you can to gradually get used to maintaining actual eye contact. Even though it may not be perfect eye contact, people won’t notice. It’s much better than talking to somewhere without any apparent eye contact, and your anxiety will be much less.


Once you are used to doing the above, eventually you are likely to feel okay with having more and more direct eye contact. Eye contact has a strong power, and may even feel too much for some people at time. But once you can utilize it, you can take advantage of this power for your benefit, such as making a better impression, demonstrating a stronger presence, being more confident and persuasive, and even appearing more attractive! Keep practicing it until you feel comfortable. The more you do, the less difficult it is. Have fun and every success!

Communication as a Means to an End

We often talk about “communication,” and everyone would agree that communication is important. Yes, I also agree with that. Totally. However, many people appear to have some misunderstanding about communication. Let’s talk about that today.


A lot of people believe that communication in itself is the purpose. However,communication is just a means to achieve a purpose. Once you fully understand how communication works as the means to this end, rather than the end itself, your communication skills instantly become more effective and better, and so do your relationships.


What do I mean by this? Well, when you say something to someone else, you may want to be aware what you are trying to deliver to the person. In another words, what do you want the person to do as a result of this communication? To understand your feelings? To answer your questions? To give you a hand? To hurt the person’s feelings? To give a compliment? Or what?


Let me give you a very typical example. A wife feels neglected by her husband because he comes home late and does not talk with her much recently. So, she says to him, “You don’t care about us anymore. You are selfish and immature, and this is not the marriage I wanted to have!” You can imagine this kind of interaction, can’t you? It’s very typical and understandable. The problem here is that she failed to deliver the message that she really wanted to convey to her husband.


Let’s think about the purpose of her communication in this example. Yes, she wanted to hurt his feelings in retaliation and that part was successful. However, it was not the main purpose. The main message she really wanted to convey was to have him understand that she was missing him and that she wanted him to come home early to have more time together, right? Unless she has already decided to dump him, there was no rationale to make her marriage worse. Then how could she deliver what she wanted to convey more effectively? Can you think of any? Well, how about this for example? “Honey, we really appreciate that you work so hard for us and you are such a great husband. Just…when you are late, I miss you so much and feel lonely. If you can come home earlier sometimes, that would make me so much happier.”


Well, of course we don’t know if the husband can actually come home early or not. But at least he understands her feelings and he would be more motivated to have more time with his family than would be so from the previous accusatory version.


If on a regular basis you can try to be more aware of the “purpose” of your communication, and come up with a thoughtful manner to deliver it, you will have better communication with your friends and family as a result. It costs you nothing to do this and the outcome is great! Try to utilize communication as a skill set, and see what happens in your life!