“Are you okay?”
This is a very common expression you’ll hear and probably
even you use it when you have some fellow human-being who is suffering or hurt
for one reason or another. However, it is an expression that I usually avoid
using, and I would like to discuss why this may not be such a great expression
for you to use either. I hope some of you will find my reasoning interesting.
Why don’t I like to use this expression, particularly when
something actually does appear not to be okay with someone? Well, the issue is that by using
this expression, there is an implicit expectation for the person to whom you
address it to reply, “Yes, I’m okay.” In other words, it's as if you don't really want to hear
what is really going on. And even if you do want to know the truth, this phrase
does not invite more of a response than "Yeah, I'm okay"; the person my in fact subconsciously feel pressure not to upset or involve you in their situation because culturally that's how it goes with this expression.
Let me give you an example. If you are sick, or you look
sick, and you tell someone that you are sick and then they ask, “Are you
okay?” …Well what can you do with this? Don’t you think you are just expected or
even pressured to say, “Yeah, thank you…” Or, if you are sad and crying, and
someone asks you, “Are you okay?” Don’t you wish you could just say, “Can’t you
see I am NOT okay right now!!??” A response like that might be something we see
in a movie, but not often in real life. We may not be consciously aware of it,
but yes, we are expected to say and to hear, “I’m okay.”
So here is the issue. When you ask “Are you okay?” it makes
it sound like you are concerned for the person you are talking to, and that may
indeed be true. Having expressed concern you may feel good about it without
even thinking that it may not be such a great expression of concern. And the
person to whom you address the question cannot complain about the expression
easily because you appeared to show some concern and it’s a culturally accepted
expression. It’s so tricky. The tragedy is that this question does not do
anything much for the person who is “not really feeling okay.”
I have even experienced a good number of therapists using this
expression and it makes me feel sad to see it. (Well, to be honest, it drives
me nuts). Many of our clients, by nature, already have difficulty sharing what
is going on in their lives with people. If therapists could be a little more
sensitive and avoid this kind of insensitive question, our clients could express
themselves much more easily.
If you really want to show true concern and hear what is
going on, you can just say something like: “What is wrong?” “What happened?” “Is
something bothering you?” etc. Then, they can share what is really going on
relatively more easily, and you can now provide real support. Yes, it is a tiny
thing but it does make a big difference!
Well, you may now wonder, “but if it’s just my coworker or neighbor
and I don’t really want to hear too much detail, then what can I do?” In this
case, one, you can just keep using “Are you okay?” to demonstrate your basic
level of concern for the person, not really intending to offer help or invite
an explanation, but just to show some level of “social appropriateness.” It
does work well for this purpose and is totally fine. Or, you can say something
like, “You don’t look good. I hope you can go easy today,” “Here is some tea
for you,” “I Hope you feel better soon,” etc. For me, putting a person who is
obviously not okay in a position where they feel obliged to say “I’m okay,” is
the last thing we should want to do.
I am not writing about this today out of some concern for
being “politically correct,” I in fact don’t care much about political
correctness or that kind of thing, to be honest. However, I do care about the effectiveness
of communication. If you are more aware of small nuances in your daily
expressions and express yourself more effectively, you will have more quality experiences
and relationships. As a psychologist and life-coach, I am quite sensitive to
this small but important matter and hope eventually to introduce to you more
and more things like this here.
By the way, why did I specifically say “fellow human-being” at
the beginning? Because I say “Are you okay?” to my puppy all the time, when he
does not look good. He always wants to reply “Yes, I’m okay. Let’s go for a
walk” no matter how bad he might feel!