Gifted… Cursed as well

For some reason, I have met a good number of gifted, smart, specially talented people both through my work and in my private life. They work not only in academia, but also in the professions, art, or some other particular areas. Being gifted sounds great, right? But their suffering is often overlooked. I am quite familiar with such experience, and have helped out people with smart brains and/or special talents, and believe that such gifts can be a curse. Gifted people may need more support than people usually think.

“Normal” means “belonging to the majority.” Below and above the majority is called “abnormal” by definition. This is not necessarily a good or a bad thing, but just a matter of the numbers. Since being gifted is actually considered “abnormal,” gifted people can experience some challenges in their lives.

Why is that? Consider the challenges endured by left-handed people, for example. The world we live in is designed for right-handed people overall. Therefore, if you are left-handed, scissors, doors, switches, etc., so many things were not designed for them, and their difficulties are often overlooked or simply ignored.

When it comes to gifted/smarter people, their “normal” is not the majority’s normal. What they see/experience is not what the majority sees or experiences. Often those with gifts see things more quickly, more deeply, and with a different perspective. As a result, they often experience misunderstanding, isolation, rejection, and difficulty connecting with others.  Some even self-sabotage to fit in with others. It is just not easy for them to perform to their full potential because their perspectives are not within the range of normal.

This is very tragic for those born with some special abilities. Their gifts may work as a curse, causing them suffering. When I meet such people through work, my focus is to help them understand who they are and what they have, and why some areas of their lives have been so difficult, while helping them learn how they can still fully perform to their full potential. They can still live to their full potential while being connected with others. This is liberating, freeing, and a big relief for them to discover.

My message to you today is that if you are gifted, or if you know someone who is gifted, please make sure you understand this challenging reality for you/them. And as needed, please allow yourself or give them support, because it may change your/their life. 

Tips for more effective couple communication

Last time, I introduced a really helpful perspective called ECU(A). The more I guided my clients with it, the more I am convinced that it is really effective. However, there have been some questions about the implementation of this ECU(A), and I will talk about it today.

The concept of ECU(A) is quite simple. You Express your needs/wants to your partner. If it does not work, don’t become distant but get Closer, and then Understand your partner’s feelings, thoughts, and experience, instead of defending yourself, offending your partner, or even trying to make yourself understood by your partner. And as needed, you Act sweet to get it done.

The biggest challenge here for many couples often is how to put it into effect when you get emotionally charged. Even if you know what to do, you may be too upset to do it. This is a reasonable and realistic concern. If you are too flooded with emotion, you cannot put it into practice correctly. Therefore, you need to take care.

There are a few effective strategies when you are too upset to implement the ECU strategy.

First one is taking Time Out. You take some break to calm down first. It could be 5 minutes, 5 hours, or 5 days. It depends on how badly you are flooded with emotion and how much time you need to calm down. The length is not usually a problem, unless it is a time sensitive issue. The most important thing when you take time out is to let your partner know when you will get back to them. It is your obligation to let your partner know when the conversation resumes. Without doing this, your time out will just work as a passively aggressive behavior, and it will not help. Without setting the time to resume, you can never take time out.

Secondly, calm down together. You can take a deep breath together with your partner, for example. You can also make some tea and have a break together, take a walk quietly together, any activity that makes both you and your partner calm down is great. Once calmed down, now you can resume your ECU(A).

By the way, this “A” part is sometimes forgotten. Chanel your inner actor/actress to perform it well in a sweet and loving manner. Your partner is not your enemy and hurting your partner is hurting yourself, that’s why this “A” is really worth it. Sometimes some people say, “Oh but it is not my authentic self!” or the like, but if your “authentic self” is acting uncooperatively and it is hurting yourself and your partner, you really need to think about it, don’t you? If you implement it well, you will find it very effective. Try it and see what happens!

ECU(A)!

Even though I have been learning and practicing psychology for over 20 years, there continue to be opportunities to learn that present themselves to me. It often comes out through interactions, particularly with my students and clients. Today I experienced one of those opportunities that I would like to share with you

Today I saw a lovely couple and they are good people. Both of them are loving and care for each other, but like all couples, they experience conflicts from time to time. Why is that? Well, while exploring and understanding the patterns, I came up with a helpful formula that most (fundamentally healthy) couples can utilize. This couple named it “ECU.”

E: First, as a couple, you want to “Express” your desires, needs, and wants to your partner directly. Many couples don’t express it directly, as a result, they  end up feeling disappointed, sad, angry, and so on. Yes, it is sometimes challenging to express your needs and wants out of fear of rejection, your desire for your partner’s spontaneous behavior, or because you just are not used to expressing your needs and wants. However, a lot of issues are preventable only if you express what you want to your partner in a straight forward manner. If both of you and your partner are decent individuals who are caring for each other, you need to express your wants and needs to your partner, so as to give your loving partner the opportunity to give you what you are looking for.

C: If you fail the first step of “Expression,” what tends to happen is that you experience some negative emotions. The negative feelings arising out of your feelings of not having your needs and wants fulfilled may lead you to distancing, avoiding, and/or shutting down from your partner. It may even create some fights and conflicts. Now we are stepping into discord. This is the time we need to get “Close.” Instead of pushing toward or pulling away, you get closer. You may have this second chance to express your wants and needs. You may be able to express your needs or wants while cuddling. You don’t go away or fight, but come closer. No matter how you are feeling or what you tend to do, just go forward to be closer.

U: Okay, we are not perfect and shit happens, therefore, you may fail to express what you what or get closer to your partner. You missed the first and second phase… Now it gets ugly. Both of you become frustrated, distant, angry, combative, cold, and so on. But because you are a healthy enough couple, you decide to talk. However, unfortunately at this point, your talk often results in further disappointment, because what we often do at this point is to try to express ourselves to our partner with the intention of being understood. For example, we try to explain what we meant to do, or explain how hurt we are feeling, or what we wanted our partner to do, etc. Too late. Once both sides are emotionally worked up, it won’t be received well. Then we try to explain ourselves even more, and end up feeling totally misunderstood, dismissed, and miserable.

Then what can you do? In this final stage, the focus needs to be “Understanding” your partner. At this point, you don’t try to express yourself. You just try to understand your partner’s experience as much as you can. How such loving couples end up in such a situation of conflict can be surprising, but starting out with your fundamental belief that your partner is a decent and loving person, you just try to figure it out. Therefore, you just want to understand what your partner’s experience was from the beginning. You do not impose your experience or feelings to justify your standpoint, but just try to fully understand your partner’s experience as if you are in your partner’s shoes.

If you do it well, you cannot help but ending up saying to your partner, “Ah, that was your experience then,” “I see, no wonder you said (or behaved) that way,” “Now I understand how and why you felt [angry/sad/frustrated/hurt…] at that time,” and so on. This will give you more clarity, empathetic understanding, and calmness. Also, this will help your partner feel understood and relaxed. Then your partner is now willing to understand you in return. As a result, you both will feel much better, understood, and ready to resume being a loving couple!

Doesn’t this make sense to you? In summary, first, do not hesitate to express your desire to your partner; doing so will help you avoid in the first place many situations ending up in conflict and hurt. However, if you or your partner neglect to express your needs or wants and start feeling negative, come closer to your partner. If you still fail at this point, then both of you now will have become quite negative and combative, and must just try to understand your partner’s experience and feelings selflessly. If you are both loving and emotionally mature, you will be able to resolve your conflict and move on and actually be closer and more loving for the experience. Once we can understand this dynamic, we can all avoid useless and meaningless fights in the future by “Starting at E”!

Well there’s one last letter in parenthesis: (A). Even if you utilize this formula and follow it well, you may still have some remaining discomfort, which can be impossible to fully resolve. Then what can you do? The answer is “Act.” This is your last chance to channel your inner actor/actress, and just behave as lovingly and sweetly to your partner. It may not be genuine, but who cares when it will resolve minor conflict in your relationship!?!? When you act this way, your partner will appreciate it, and become sweet and loving in return, and you will end up forgetting any small resentments. Because you and your partner are different human beings from different backgrounds, it is sometimes impossible to fully understand and accept each other perfectly. Then instead of focusing on small things, just act and appreciate what you can have as a result. It really works and will be one of the greatest relationship skills you will ever learn and have at your disposal to ensure a loving and life-long relationship.

By the way, why do you think this “A” is in parenthesis? Because “A” can be utilized at any time. Each phase could be challenging to some extent for anyone, particularly the later you leave it, the harder it gets. But no matter how you are “feeling,” it is an essential relationship skill and you “act” to make it work. I like to call it “channeling your inner actor/actress.” For example, even if you don’t feel like getting closer because of your “hurt” feelings, “just do it” like any good actor or actress would do. The first priority is your happy relationship and once it works, the relationship gets better, and you will feel better. SO WHY NOT??

New Year’s Resolution – Behavioral Modification Strategies

So we are already well into the New Year now. Many people try to have New Year’s resolutions, but somehow they fall apart eventually (or already?). Have you had this experience? Why do you think it is so? Well, changing familiar behavior that are part of our daily routines is actually very, very difficult for most people.
Today, I am going share some wisdom Psychology has given us to help us achieve better behavioral modification.
By the way, I had an interview with the Coast Magazine some years ago about this topic, if you would also like to read that. Becoming the Best Version of You 

[Exciting Direction] First of all, you need to set a goal as something exciting, instead of depressing or punitive. Very typical resolutions/goals are, for example, “Lose Weight,” “Quit smoking,” “Get Out of Debt,” and so on…  Aren’t these already depressing and unmotivating goals? While the aims are good, expression of the goals are not fun.

When the goal is gloomy, we are less likely to keep at working towards achieving such goals because they seem painful. Therefore, it is important to imagine and visualize something really nice, still related to the direction, and have a better expression of the goal, such as “Be sexier and more gorgeous!” “Become smoke free so that I can run around with my child,” and “Feel financially peaceful.” The positive images are already making you feel a little more motivated toward that direction.

[Focus on the process] Secondly, the focus cannot be the results. It is very passive to stay focused on the result. For example, you lose weight as a result of some changes in your life. If your focus is the result, you will be more easily frustrated, helpless, and impatient, and you will eventually lose your enthusiasm more easily. Thus, the focus needs to be on the process, not the result. In this case, the focus may be “Exercise more.”

[Specific tasks] Rather than vague resolutions, the more specific and clearer they are, the better. If the wish is to “Lose weight,” then the direction is to “Be sexier and more gorgeous.” Your focus is to “Exercise more,” then the next step is to determine when, how, and what you are going to do to achieve your goal. For example, “Walking one hour every day.” If your tasks are unclear, you have more difficulty following through. Therefore, you will need to know what you decided to do.

[Schedule setting] Fourth, it is important to think of your daily routine, and where you want to insert your new habit. If “walking one hour every day” needs to be added to your daily life, you need to think of your everyday schedule and when the best time for that is. Just adding something new to our daily routine is very hard itself, so make it as easy as possible. The smoother things flow, the better.

[Easier transition] Fifth, it is helpful to make it easier. If you choose to walk in the morning, for example, you want to have all the clothes and shoes prepared by the bed, such that it becomes simpler and easier to make it happen. While half asleep, you won’t want to look for your walking clothes… You may rather go back to bed. Hence, it is helpful if the transition is easy. The more preparation, the better.

[Reward system] Sixth, having rewards keeps us going. Although we are much more complicated than mice or dogs, just like them, receiving rewards still really works. Simple rewards can be expressed as “If I do it for …, I will …” A reward can be something like going somewhere you like, buying something you wanted, and so on. That will keep you going. In addition, having something in your daily life is really helpful and sometimes just your daily routine may function as a reward. For example, what if you cannot touch your cellphone until you finish your walk? That may motivate you to finish your walk. If watching evening news is your relief after work, make it so that you cannot watch it until you finish walking. This kind of reward really helps. Just don’t make your reward anything that contradicts your goals. For example, if your goal is to “Look sexier and cuter” by not eating junk food, don’t make your reward a bag a potato chips! :)

[A little (potential) punishment] By setting up a “punishment” for failing in achieving your goals, you will add to your motivation. For example, let’s say you have someone in your life whom you think wastes money, you can promise them that you will give him/her a set amount of money when you don’t do your new task. For example, if you don’t walk as you promised, you give $10 to that person (*the amount depends on your finances. It needs to be something realistic and painful to lose). You don’t want to lose it for nothing! You will automatically be more motivated.

[Contract] Last, you can write a contract to yourself. You can write up everything above as a plan in support of your resolutions, and sign it for yourself. Now your goal is clearly set and it is more exciting and positive, your tasks are clearer, you know when and what to do, you have reward, and you seal the deal with yourself. If you ask someone close to be a witness, it becomes more accountable. That also helps a lot.

As you all know, changing our routines and bad habits is really, really challenging, and that is why these strategies above are important and helpful. In my life-coaching practice, I help my clients achieve their goals, while providing this kind of support and much more. It works. If you have any resolutions and you sincerely want to achieve them, give it a shot to utilize these strategies to make it come true! You will feel really better about yourself!

If you are interested in meeting with me to assist you with coaching you to achieving your goals in life, feel free to ask me questions to see if we can make it happen together.

Happy (?) Holidays

Time flies and it is already the end of 2017. Wow, already!? Gosh, 2020 will soon be here before we know it, let alone 2018!

So once again, the holiday season has arrived. As I wrote in the past about the holidays, (Holidays: Are they a Tough Time for You?), the holiday season can be a tough time for many people because of things like social isolation, personal loss that coincides with the holidays, unreasonable expectations of what’s expected at this time or year, or perhaps even seasonal affective disorder. Let’s try to have good awareness of our own personal condition at this time of the year and provide good self-care as needed.

Physically speaking, you may have extra activities and events, where you eat unusual things and in bigger portions, and consume more alcoholic drinks (or sodas). These in themselves can lead to inner conflict if you are at the same time trying to diet or eat healthier. Or you may become busier with shopping and work celebrations before you get to take some time off. Perhaps, even, you don’t have a job and feel the pressure of gift-giving when you don’t have the economic resources. Some of you may also be traveling or driving far to visit your family and friends at one of the busiest travel times of the year. So as you can see, it can be a time of year that is physically demanding, and loaded with expectations, which can be unreasonable.

Being busy by itself is stressful. Even if it is a fun time, parties and gatherings can be emotionally draining and exhausting. Whether you don’t have much to do over the holidays, or you have to work a lot to make it a success for family or friends, it can be hard not to compare yourself to others, as if everyone else is happy with their loved ones, but not you, leaving you feeling less-well-off and lonely. This is one of the worst times of the year for many people to feel lonely and unhappy.

Someone has asked me, “So then, what can we do if we are not feeling good?” As I wrote before, first, try to let go of the pressure to feel happy and/or have a great time with others. You may find all the pressure and expectations bothersome, annoying, time-consuming, and/or expensive. If that is the case, then just accept your feelings as they are. If you feel that way, don’t fight it. Fighting against these natural feelings is to give in to these expectations and will make you feel worse. Also feel ok to bitch about it as needed as much as you want to. Expressing yourself really helps to survive this time. Once you are okay with not forcing yourself to feel happy about the holidays or faking being happy about the holidays, then you can relax more. If you’re lucky, focus on appreciating what you have, while not comparing yourself with others unnecessarily. Being grateful for things, anything, is a great way to start feeling happier. 

If you are a more proactive-kind of person and you want to do something to recognize the holiday season to help yourself cope with your negative emotional experience, there is one thing that really works. You can do something good for others. For example, join some volunteering activities. You will be surprised how much you can do for others and how much people can appreciate you. We human beings experience happiness when we do something meaningful for others, and if you do, you will be feeling really better. For example, there are bound to be charities, churches, and foundations in your area that provide Christmas dinner for homeless or poor families, and they will be looking for volunteers to help out. 

If youfeel physically exhausted and/or your health is affected by your food and drink, be aware of your condition and take care of yourself better intentionally. Try and make the holiday season a time to take some breaks, eat better, slow down, and so on in order to treat yourself kindly. Your body is your vehicle to keep going in your life and if you don’t maintain it well, you will pay the price. Caring for yourself is one of the most valuable things you can do at this time of year. 

In short, again, it is really important to monitor your condition and take care of yourself. It is a myth that everyone is happy with no problems around the holidays. And it is okay to feel tired, stressed, and/or lonely. Let’s just be aware of our experience, and be kinder to ourselves!